Saturday, November 27, 2010

Today is All We Have To Dunk On

"I am no man, I am dynamite." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Rough Justice: God I hate the Dominate Another Day commercial.

Oil Can Samson: It's so dumb!

RJ: It's not just dumb, it's so damn empty!

OCS: It takes a mediocre premise and executes it badly.

They should have made a video of D-Wade doing some sweet crossover and then posterizing a grizzly bear in space if they wanted to make him a superhero.


RJ: Right, putting him in a helmet and then showing stuntmen drive a motorcycle fancy and dangerous-like is just nothing at all.

OCS: RJ, the next great basketball viral video is going to be Rondo in the vomit comet performing absurd geometric feats of zero-gravity dribbling.

RJ: Here's my rewrite of the DWade superhero commercial:

OCS: And then all of a sudden it's 2 Gs and he's all, "Oof."

RJ: He's driving around Miami, minding his business, when he stumbles upon a bank robbery. The robbers are rubber mask versions of the Celtics. He defeats and apprehends them with a basketball and feats of stunning athleticism.

Then he's having a celebratory burger somewhere when similarly-masked "Kobe" and "Pau" try to stick up the joint.
Cue similar hijinks, but this time inside a crowded restaurant.

End to him dribbling off, with a voice-over clever line.
(I have not yet thought of this line.)

OCS: Naw, I've got it:
Scene opens on a Spanish field.
Don Quixote is vainly tilting at a windmill.
D-Wade dunks on the windmill so hard it explodes. Don Quixote applauds, Wade and Sancho Panza do a tight high-five.

RJ: No, no, Wade and Sancho do the jump up shoulder bump.

OCS: Yup. Yes they do.
Well, Sancho just does the shoulder bump: he's already elevated, riding a donkey and all.

RJ: Also, the windmill needs to have either Celtics clovers or Lakers colors all over it.

OCS: Three blades: C's, Lakers and Magic.

RJ: The fourth should probably be the Cavs, just to twist the knife.

OCS: That's just uncalled for.

RJ: Because no one has ever built a tribladed windmill.
Well, no one back then, anyway.

OCS: Man, make it a modern steel one, just to highlight what a badass he is.

RJ: But then we'd have to put Don Quixote on a motorcycle and we're back to being stupid for no reason like the original ad.

OCS: Why?
I'm cool with anachronism.
Well, let's just stick with a 3-bladed old-style one.

RJ: How 'bout instead of that we put D-Wade into some sort of historical El Heat costume, like when Kobe dressed up as DaVinci.

OCS: That was tight.

RJ: Man, that could spawn a whole series of D-Wade dunking on various historical literary unattainable targets.
Moby Dick: Boomshakalaka!

OCS: And then just to highlight how classy he is, he dunks so hard Cyrano de Bergerac gets the girl.

RJ: He could posterize King Lear into understanding his daughters.

OCS: He grabs the apple of knowledge of good and evil from Eve and dunks it in the Serpent's face

RJ: Yes!
He could fool so many dudes with his crossover that the charge of the Light Brigade would succeed.

OCS: "Ours is not to question why, ours is but to dunk and fly"

RJ: That settles it. We're starting a sneaker company.

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