Adjusting for Era

ROUGH JUSTICE: It occurred to me while watching Bill Belichick: A Football Life that, were Alexander the Great born today, he would end up in pro sports. Or Wall Street, I guess.

OIL CAN SAMSON: Except wasn't he basically tiny and not much of a specimen?

RJ: Right, but coaching.

OCS: Oh, you mean like how Mark Jackson would've conquered Persia a couple centuries ago.

RJ: HANDS DOWN, LANDS DOWN!

OCS: MAMA THERE GOES THAT MONGOL!

RJ: Red Auerbach would have conquered the known world.



RJ: Shaq certainly would have been a Goliath-type character.

OCS: "David, tell me how mine ass tasteth!"

RJ: And everyone would have laughed, because they would have been malnourished and 5'4" and he would have been fucking terrifying to behold.

OCS: Yup. He eats two steaks, cracks a fair to good joke, everyone goes home and starves a little more.



RJ: Do you think the visigoths got Rome because someone like David Kahn ended up in charge of Rome's defenses?¹

1: Turns out Honorius was the emperor at the time.

OCS: Nah. Just too many Urkels in their Legion.

RJ: "Man, how about that city-state of Buffalo in the early 90s? They seiged the shit out of everybody, but just couldn't seal the deal!"

OCS: "No one had an answer for their no-huddle warships!"

RJ: I can certainly see Tom Brady ending up as a Homeric figure. Or Kobe, for that matter.

OCS: Somehow I can't Dan Marino, though. Just how his face looks.

RJ: Yeah, I had the same apprehensions about Peyton Manning. Although the brothers angle plays well with oral traditions!

OCS: Rulon Gardner might end up a Little John-type; but he'd probably just live a brawny, anonymous life farming the shit out of some land.

RJ: KG, on the other hand, would die in battle seven or eight times.

OCS: Man, that dude would take a lot of people with him. He would get a statue and statue KG would be riding a horse, and he would have gone down so hard that the horse would be rearing all four legs off the ground.

RJ: Just resting on its giant, metaphor-laden balls? (I'm sorry that I'm not sorry about that one.)

OCS: HEY GUYS
THIS IS PRETTY UNCOMFORTABLE I GUESS
I WONDER WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO CARE ABOUT THAT